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Hopefully.
Overwhelmed and depressed by the number of aggregate sites (Buzzfeed, HuffPo, Gawker, Daily Beast, etc.) creating "lists", I found wine wasn't well represented in the continuation and slow death of writing and The Attention Span. The lists are countless and include, "Top 10 reasons NYC isn't as great as you think it is"(I actually like this one), "23 Reasons why parents are basically giant children", "15 terrible blackface fashion moments", "The 13 most sexually aggressive cartoon characters", "The 7 types of internet lists" (yes, there are even lists of freaking lists), etc.  So here's some justice for our favorite liquid hero:

1. Wine Ages Better Than Jane Fonda and Can Do the Same For You
Wine was first discovered in old skins in modern day Georgia (Republic of) dating from about 7500 BC. Simultaneously, wine was being cultivated in modern day Iran and surrounding areas and word spread across empires. Today, though wine is made to be consumed sooner than in the last century of production, average shelf life is around 10 years for a healthy wine. TRIVIA: Because of its sugar content, well made whites age better than reds! The sugar acts as a preservative. Sadly, eating Sour Patches will not do the same for you and me. But Resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, and antioxidants, have been proven to improve aging and extend your life. So drink up!

2. A Lack of Champagne Killed Louis XIV
Louis XIV, the Sun King and modernizer of France, the man who gave us Haute Couture, modern gossip rags, standards for wine production, Versailles, science sans superstition, and my favorite historical hero, François Vatel, was prescribed Champagne throughout his life by his doctor, a native of the region. Toward the end of his life, he became ill and his doctor was unable to determine the cause. The royal council chose a new doctor hoping to heal him and, a native of Burgundy, the doctor immediately switched him to Burgundian wine. Louis XIV dropped dead days later from a broken heart. What a drama king. But don't suffer the same fate.

3. Wine Pairs with Everything. Rosé + Captain Crunch = Holy Sh*tballs
Other than Marijuana, nothing goes with Captain Crunch. Wine, because of its make-up of five major components, acid, tannin, alcohol, sugar, and water, it really doesn't get more universal than that. This is what allows you to pair your wines with ease to food, though some pairings are better than others. And we see why chilling wine can benefit lighter foods given it causes a contraction in the molecules of each allowing more flavor from the food and restraint from the larger notes of the wine, e.g., try chilled Pinot Noir with fish (but after you try rose with Captain Crunch!).

4. Wine is Making Americans Richer and Far More Interesting
The United States became the #1 importer of wine in the world as of 2011! Neither recession, sequester, nor masturbation will slow it down, either. And as the world's consumption increases, our rate of export grows in tandem making us wealthier in the process. Part of this dual growth stems from its incorporation into daily life more readily than as an "occasional" item. A major stake in a restaurant's rating and seriousness is held in its wine program. Even 20 years ago, this wasn't as much a consideration. Schools have cropped up across the US as a cottage industrial complex catering to consumers seeking education and understanding ranging from their wine retailer's shelf, restaurant wine lists, and to improve social graces. And as demand has increased, wine production is now found in all 50 states giving rise to wine tourism and growing exports to other nations! And this very website. Even with its growth, the wine industry remains immensely underdeveloped for its potential and is constantly searching for entrepreneurs, particularly in the tech realm, to improve and grow the industry.  There's ample room for growth if you're creative and can catch its bug of passion.

5. Wine is the Ultimate Networking Tool/Wine Goggles Work Faster Than Their Beer Counterpart
Wine is the unwritten rule in any modern business networking setting. While happy hours usually consist of a few bottles chosen by HR or a pre-selected list at a local watering hole, knowing the names of a grapes to order is a "must". Taking it to the next level, particularly when recruiting business or closing a deal, dinners where the wine list is whipped out are the instant way to saying "I have a big d*ck and my business isn't afraid to use it." When the aged Bordeaux and cult Californian bottles flow, "no" becomes more difficult to utter in response to "the ask" of business proposals. So gird yourself with appropriate knowledge (or preview the list ahead of time on the restaurant's website and learn EVERYTHING you can about the bottle you intend to choose, letting the knowledge flow off your tongue like children to the candy man during dinner) if you intend to impress the big client and walk away with their life savings in your pocket. And when cutting a deal in the business of sex, if the choices are closer to mutant bitches, ugly and with attitude, or you need the courage to feel less like a hunchback when approaching the hottest person in the room, the quick swig of your favorite grape will delete the layers of fear toward either and increase the size of your own penis/boobs (at least in your head).

Have an addition? E-mail/Tweet me! Ryan at wineboywegman dot com, @wineboywegman


 
 
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Proof I've been to a dive bar.
While it's difficult to define what a "dive bar" is, we all know the mental emanation of 40 years of cigarette smoke and PBR on commercial grade, tartan clad, wool carpet.  And the suspicion that urinal cakes are hidden in each artificial ficus.  As a unanimously acclaimed Champagne whore, my time in dive bars has been rare, though the locals were delightful, as was their unique 'whistling' dialect thanks to a dearth of dentists.  The experience is usually the same, my friends order beer while I ask for a wine list.  As if bar wench Bobbie Joe thought herself Socrates, the reply would be another question alluding to suspicion of my provenance or current mental location.  After bar wench/wanker of the moment would rattle of the wines in the fridge (red included, of course), I was often surprised to hear the prices per glass/bottle.  They were either at or sharply below retail, and at least one was decent enough to be ordered, so I'd take it.  But I had to wonder: while yes, it's a dive bar, the mark-up was standard on all of their liquor and mixed drink prices, what happened to the vino?  

Answer: Most bartenders or bar managers have much less knowledge of wine (if any) than liquor.  And the science of it is, as any consumer knows, intimidating.  When approached by any number of vendors looking to pull-off that month's sales goal (or simply get rid of an older vintage), whether of Mondavi brands, high end Champagne, etc., they'll push these to the bar's buyer, knowing they may not sell much, but even half a case (six bottles) brings them that much closer to their sales goal.  Often, buyers will purchase the brands as a favor or in exchange for reduced pricing on other items they regularly sell.  And often enough, they simply trust the distributor and not really know what they're buying.  In an effort to unload the wines quickly, they'll mark them just a few dollars above the wholesale or even sell them back at wholesale, not really looking to make a profit, preferring to actively push the usual vodkas, etc., knowing the majority of their clientele wouldn't know De Venoge from Yellow Tail.

Take advantage of this predatory opportunity and get krunk for less.
And no, Lolly.  I don't buy my cologne at Marshall's.